 |
Born: 1966 Weight: 220 lbs. Special: He sure is Ear Jokes: Overused First Round Ability: Knockoutariffic Mating Show: Winking Raping Skills: Very good Avoiding Rape Charges Skills: Subpar Many years before Peter McNeely, a few years before Miss America's pants unwillingly came off, and even a few months before Buster Douglas transformed him from "Unbeatable Retard" to "I Guess He's Beatable Retard," Mike Tyson secured the first video game license by a single athlete. Some might argue that Ice Climber's characters represented the real life 8-bit eskimos that live near Barrow, or that the monochrome red Atari baseball players were eerily similar to that displaced Chippewa on your cousin's company softball team, but there is no evidence of them being compensated for their supposed appearances in these titles. Tyson, however, leaves a trail of unpaid taxes and drool ample enough to confirm that he was the first. Uneducated or otherwise grossly misinformed video gamers might claim that Mr. Dream is the real star of the Punch-Out!! titles, but this is completely untrue. Besides the fact that Mr. Dream is now considered the NES Sports Collection's bastard child, the Mike Tyson version secured the appeal long before Mr. Dream could sully it with his illegitimate lineage and uninspired appearance. Besides, according to fifth-hand reports from a junior high newspaper, I learned that it was Tyson himself who came up with the idea to add TWO exclamation points to the game's title. His reasoning that they looked like two protruding nipples is a bit suspect, but his choice to caress them on the game box at night certainly is not. |
|
Origins Mike Tyson emerged from the Empire State in the early to mid 80's, rising to prominence under the immortal Teddy Atlas. Wikipedia has this to say about Tyson: "Michael Gerard Tyson, (born June 30, 1966, Brooklyn, New York, USA) is a former American professional boxer and World Heavyweight Champion, and is considered by many to be one of the greatest and most feared heavyweight boxers of all time. Originally aiming to become a taximeter cab driver, Tyson's initial skills were developed through a regimen of Flintstone's vitamins and vigorous masturbation. In his prime, he routinely defeated prominent opponents in devastating fashion, and was one of the most feared boxers in the sport, known by such nicknames as "Iron" Mike Tyson, Kid Dynamite, and The Manhattan Molester. " In unrelated news, allegations against Wikipedia's veracity are false I'm sure.
The star of the "Dream Fight," Mike Tyson's aura on the original tour ranked somewhere between Samson with hair and a planet blowing up. For the people primitive enough not to know the code to go right to fighting him, the thrill of reaching Iron Mike was quickly removed when Tyson sent Mac to the canvas three times in a worldwide average of 22 seconds. After enduring tough fights with Sandman and Macho, only to go down to a single punch from Tyson, many lazy chilidren switched from video game player to less stressful occupations like chronic napper or soccer goalie. WVBA II Despite being nothing more than a crappy imitation of an even crappier boxer in real life, Mike Tyson has found some success again in the world of video boxing. After losing only to Little Mac in his previous WVBA campaign, Tyson has come back as a ferocious beast ready to regain his throne. (And at the time of this writing he had done this, already reclaiming the World Circuit belt.) Mr. Sandman doesn't want to fight him, Great Tiger messed both of his diapers when hearing of his return, and Glass Joe is considering a sex change, seeing as a switch to "male" may prevent him from being raped. Mike Tyson may be fake retiring from boxing in the 3-D world, but in the 2-D world, he's his usual menacing self. The WVBA is all the better because of it.
"My homeboy, Mista Mike Tyson. Despite what my dawg Don King says, there's still plenty of scratch to be bled out of the Cat from Catskill. Yes, I thought of that nickname myself, playa. Not only did the entire WVBA get founded around him, but the new WVBA is going to be carried by the fact that we are the only place you can find a competent Tyson anymore. Mike Tyson is set to carry our lunch in the 21st century and if there's anything this promoter knows, it's lunch y'all." Leonardite: "I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Mike Tyson, simply because he is so clueless as to the goings on of the real world. I remember reading an old Sports Illustrated article from years ago where Tyson was gambling with some of his 'friends' and his only comment was, 'I really like pitty pat.' Yes, I'm sure they all liked pitty pat. Is there any way that this borderline psychopath could have any clue about the proper card to play? Is there any way he would know the difference between a spade and a club? What was I talking about again? No, the WVBA subsection doesn't take up that much storage space in my account." WVBA II Match History:
|
