Hometown: Hippo Island, South Pacific Born: ??? Weight: ??? Metric Conversion: ??? units metric = 400 units fatassity Crown: Thrift Store Naval Tape: Swanky Mouth Circumference: Lincoln Tunnel Nobility: Trumpeted Perhaps rivaled only by Soda Popinski in terms of popularity, King Hippo is a WVBA legend. And unlike Soda's homeland, the Hippo Island dynasty has been free of coups and formaldehyde-preserved revolutionaries which means that his fame is immune to political pitfalls. Hippo's popularity isn't due to any impeccable personality characteristics. Instead, he has been cashing in on fat man stereotypes since the mid-80's. If he thinks that people pay attention because we want to hear his thoughts on the GDP crisis of Hippo Island, he's mistaken. Fat people will always be in high demand in society because in addition to the extreme difficulty in kidnapping them, their pants have a much higher propensity to fall off or be frighteningly consumed by their bodies.

Origins King Hippo's enlistment into the original WVBA is a very strange tale that further illuminates how little the common citizen understands international diplomacy. The United States was facing an unreported but undeniable crisis in terms of nuclear waste. Warehouses and school playgrounds had gone well beyond their capacities to store the stuff and the country needed a new option. This is where a three-nation trade came to be. Like an NBA deal, each of the nations got something in return, but nuclear waste, not Tree Rollins, was the centerpiece of this swap. Damn, settle down psycho. Hippo Island agreed to take the sludge from the United States under one condition: That Japan allow their chief into the World Video Boxing Association. Japan agreed to do this under the condition that the Americans pretended to act like Japanese cartoons made sense. The United States also agreed to send Hippo Island a Dodge Shadow and a McDonald's breakfast combo to be named later. WVBA I King Hippo's career in the Mike Tyson days was an interesting amalgam of knockouts, power punches, and Fruit of the Looms. It was difficult to find a man that punched harder or with more ferocity than King Hippo. If any of the children in the 80's fell asleep at the control and had Hippo actually land a punch, they were doubtlessly mortified by the pieces of Little Mac's face that flew through the television and stained their shirt. For the coordinated youth, King Hippo always presented an easy victory with his falling drawers and decision to never get up. It was really a shame to see such potential be wasted on such an unspectacular fat man. He had no alternate race clone on the tour which made him unique and he was the only man wearing a crown, although Great Tiger's diaper was in reality, a lot more prestigious choice of headgear. I went to the CIA World Fact Book and tried to learn all I could about Hippo Island. According to them, it doesn't exist. For sure this is just a big cover-up, like the Martian encounters and the Elian Gonzales lynching. I think that we need to start holding them more accountable to our people, because that's what we really need. To be lying about Pacific nations is lying to the very citizens that employ them. Basically, I'm just just trying to lead into this picture that I took of Chase holding a fish but it's not working that well. Another big stain on his career was the time in 1988 when one of his citizens, after two years of direct exposure to nuclear waste, climbed into the ring, set fire to himself with his breath, and grew a second head with ivory tusks. Nobody was really too concerned by that, but then he yelled out that the breakfast combo that the Island received tasted like a word that translates loosely to "ancient koala bowel," the repercussions of which are still felt in American/Hippotic relations to this day. WVBA II Being waited on hand-and-foot by the twelve women of Hippo Island every day is a pretty nice life, but it doesn't exactly get you into fighting shape. Ever since he traded a couple of his kids and part of the island to Estonia for an X-Box, sources have reported that Hippo hasn't even stepped outside his royal tiki hut. His weight has ballooned from a disgraceful ??? to an apocalyptic ?????. He has, however, beaten Ninja Gaiden twice and is a legend in online Halo 2 tournaments where he is known better as "King_FRAG_Hip2Hizzle." Doc Louis "Now don't you be talking no shit about my dawg, King Hippo. The man knows what it's like to be in charge of a bunch of idiots. Plus, the man knows fine cuisine like I know......well......food. I remember that time back in '89 when we put that Ponderosa out of business in Wichita. All-You-Can-Eat means ALL YOU CAN EAT, baby." Leonardite "I'll admit that I love stupid people as much as the next guy but man, Hippo, get someone to write your speeches for you. 'Do you like my new trunks? They are size XXX Large! Ha Ha Ha!' Look, I don't know what you guys do for humor on Hippo Island, but I've seen traffic accidents that are a lot funnier than that. Next time I would go for something along the lines of 'Do you like my new trunks? Because I just ate my weight in Play-Doh.' That's twenty times better and you're not losing anything in the accuracy department." WVBA II Match History Hippo's Ranking Opponent Opponent Ranking Outcome MC #3 Mr. Sandman WC #5 3rd Round KO (L) MC #3 Piston Honda WC #3 3rd Round KO (L) MC #4 Glass Joe MC #3 Disqualification (L) MC #4 Bald Bull MC #3 1st Round KO (L) MC #4 Little Mac MC #3 2nd Round KO (W)

        <-- Also playing the role of Mac, it's you!!