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Born: 1949 Weight: 110 lbs. Special: Losing Hairstyle: Feminine Appearance: Deer in headlights Machismo: Shirley Temple Toughness: Hahahahahahahaha Hobby: Little Mac voodoo doll Back in the earliest days of the WVBA, Glass Joe was brought on board to be both the punching bag and the whipping boy for other boxers, Nintendo game players, and especially Von Kaiser. Joe does have a win under his belt and I was actually there when this happened. After trying every imaginable combination of not punching in an effort to lose to Glass Joe, one of my friends finally lost to him to when he shut the television off, unplugged all of the controllers, and locked himself in the bathroom. And even though Joe did finally get the win, he still only won the match by decision. Despite his total lack of skills, toughness, and testosterone, Joe isn't without his merits. In fact, many historians have credited him with playing a prominent role in convincing an entirely new generation of Americans that all Frenchmen were pussies. "The fact that he was able to accomplish in one video game what took an entire country two separate conquerings is quite staggering." said Mark Ripley, a World History/Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! professor at Wake Forest University. |
| Origins There was a rumor floating around back in '88 that Glass Joe wasn't actually from France at all. The story said that he was just such a big pantywaist that he claimed to be from France so that people would leave him alone. Once pictures came out of him being the prom king at East Pastry High in 1967, the rumors were finally laid to rest. Glass Joe's rise to stardom began with a Europe-wide search to find the toughest man from each country for possible inclusion in the World Video Boxing Association. Von Kaiser knocked out thirty-five students in a row at the military academy, Don Flamenco fought two men during the running of the bulls, and Bald Bull ate an opponent's pancreas in the ring to secure their spots in the WVBA. Glass Joe? He was able to bring home the title of France's Toughest Man after he won a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots match against his cat.
Glass Joe was certainly the most embarassing of the WVBA fighters back in the Nintendo days. The fact that this 110 pound sissy was in a heavyweight boxing league with mutants and ripped Soviets was enough to doom the poor guy right off the bat. There wasn't much to say about his fighting, but there were volumes to be delivered on his falling, punch-absorbing, and tear-shedding. He apparently had some pretty wussy things to say between rounds, but every Glass Joe fight was over in the time it takes to open a Fruit Roll-Up, so it was only through obscure historical research that these quotes were actually found. Most of them center around him wanting to retire or not get punched, both of which aren't very conducive to winning boxing matches. Glass Joe retired soon after the Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! Tour of the late 80's, although he was dragged back for the Mr. Dream Tour in the early 1990's and for the far less popular televion special, Glass Joe vs. Mike Tyson which consisted of Joe getting his ass kicked by an old 8 x 10 of Kid Dynamite. WVBA II Joe returns to the ring in the WVBA with some higher hopes now that the other fighters are all older, slower, and in considerably worse shape. While the weight differential remains, a lot of the weight advantage in the other fighters now consists of excess beer bellies and excess buffet bellies, particularly in the case of Doc Louis. In any case, Glass Joe's prospects look a bit brighter this go-round in the WVBA. Is it it time for the Glass Jaw of France to ascend to the top of his sport? Or is he still one Nightmare Punch away from having his head sent to the Louvre in a box? Only time and Mr. Sandman will tell.
"Oh geez, Glass Joe. I mean, come on. Look at the guy. I needed more fighters, alright? And he's still better than that Spanish fairy. I just hope he doesn't get busted up too bad, ya know? I need enough fighters to keep the crowds happy and when it comes to receiving punches, Joe's a legend." Leonardite "I would be more inclined to feel bad for Glass Joe if he didn't look and act like such a jackass. The one thing that I do like about him is that he falls in a very classy manner. That weaving "woowoowoo....woowoowoo" fall is pretty cool. It's certainly a lot better than King Hippo's "fat man in a recliner" ass splat, that's for sure." WVBA II Match History
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