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 First Quarter The Jets are opening their first drive on their own 43. Jets Drive #1 Blair Thomas takes the handoff on the first two plays of the game and serves notice to the Colts that he means business today, picking up 32 yards.
Colts Drive #1 To the surprise of nobody, Jeff George declares a shitty quarterback pissing match by throwing a pick on first down to Erik McMillan. The title of "worst quarterback in AFC East" is one that both of these men highly covet, but no matter how hard they try, this contest still isn't legit without a man whose last name begins with "G" and ends with "rogan." Jets Drive #2 After Thomas picks up three to start the drive, the Jets go backwards on a twelve-yard sack by Jeff Herrod. Not surprisingly, they are relatively pleased with this satisfactorily low-damage outcome. O.Brien faces a two-man pass rush and completely loses his mind, firing a ball five yards behind Blair Thomas and the two defenders in siamese twin coverage. Pat Leahy is out for a try from fifty and there's not a single person reading or typing this that expects anything but a complete shank. Colts Drive #2 The Colts give Bentley two cracks at picking up a first down, but after he only gains six yards they decide to go with 43 George Fire Direct At Safety Pro Cross T. The play is run as diagrammed in the cerebral Indianapolis playbook, but McMillan is unable to haul in his second gift from Jeff George. Punter Rohn Stark, one of the best in the league, sends a souvenir into the stands. Jets Drive #3
End of 1st Quarter: Indianapolis-0, New York-0 Second Quarter Jets Drive #3 (Continued) Freeman McNeil takes two consecutive handoffs up the middle with the Indianapolis defense converging at a blisteringly glacial pace. Unfortunately for them, that wasn't quite enough to keep McNeil out of the end zone. 7-0, New York
After your standard George cardiac arrest incompletion, Albert Bentley picks up twelve yards and Indy's first first down. Ivy Joe Hunter then gets the ball on a lead up the middle, but succumbs to the always annoying/frightening "invisible defender" who didn't have the decency to appear on the screen until after the tackle had been made. After a subsequent unanswered call to Dr. Peter Venkman, George is able to fit in a quick interception to James Hasty before screaming and hiding under the covers. Jets Drive #4 Blair Thomas and Freeman McNeil begin to exploit the potential stat carnival that is the Colts' defense by picking up two consecutive first downs. After an ineffective three downs, the Jets and their computer-controlled coaches do the inexplicable: They line up to kick from beyond the fifty. Every human controlled player with more than one game's experience knows enough to do this, but the computer is such a pussy when it comes to this that the only reason it doesn't run the punt kicker out for PAT's is because the coding won't allow it. Leahy's attempt from 65 is wide left, but a large salute must be given to the awesome display of testosterone displayed by New York just now.
Jeff George scans the field and locks in quickly on Erik McMillan to give the Jets another chance to show off their cajones before halftime. Jets Drive #5 McNeil picks up nine right away, ensuring us that we will get the opportunity to see Leahy record as many missed field goals in this half as Jeff George interceptions. But after McNeil busts the next run down to the 19, there is a sliver of a chance that Leahy might actually go counter to Jeff Jaeger's example and make his field goal. With four seconds left, Pat rushes onto the field and hammers his kick off the left upright to make sure I would like an idiot for even considering the alternative. End of 2nd Quarter: New York-7, Indianapolis-0 Halftime Yep, same halftime that we've been cursed with for the past few weeks. That means that we didn't get anything that rhymes with "shanty cot" and that I am something that rhymes with "missed scoff." 3rd Quarter Colts Drive #5
George is back to pass on first down, but wisely runs for twelve instead. On the next play, Bill Brooks high-points another Christmas lob from George, swiping it from the Jets and cashing it in for six points. 7-7 Jets Drive #6 After two poor plays, Looney Toon lays out and bails out Ken O. on an overthrown pass. Al then coughs it up, but the sideline bails him out by being an official boundary between the legal playing field and a place that can only be described as "where fumbles go to die." After KO.B runs for fifteen yards, he delivers a perfect strike to the Toon man for the Jets' second TD of the day.
Colts Drive #6 Verdin brought the kick out to near midfield and George's shockingly good pass to Jessie Hester on third down brought the ball down to the New York 23. And if you think I have a smartass comment waiting to make fun of a terrible George throw that came next, well, you know me way too well. But I'm unable to in this situation, because George threw a Montana-esque strike to Bill Brooks to even the score. 14-14 Jets Drive #7 Freeman McNeil picks up the first down and the Jets will have the ball on the Indy 43 to start the final stanza. End of 3rd Quarter: Indianapolis-14, New York-14 4th Quarter Jets Drive #7 (Continued)
21-14, New York Colts Drive #7 George keeps this parallel dimension of good quarterbacking alive by delivering a 12-yard pass to Bentley on first down. Ivy Joe is completely buried on first down (He now has a sweet -4 yards on the day,) but on the next play Jessie Hester leaps and pulls in a supremely risky George pass bringing the Dolts down to the Jets' 35. Hunter picks up zero on first down, keeping his stellar stat total level, but the next play nearly caused me to go into a state of shocked pants wetting. The Stage: George overlooked the wide open Bill Brooks and elected to go to a covered Jessie Hester. The ball is tipped and the "x" appears on the field. But as the ball is tumbling... Cinema screen Double super jump My jaw firmly on my foot
The Colts, obviously shell-shocked, run two consecutive incompletions and turn the ball over. Jets Drive #8 The Jets pick up a first down on two runs and have the ball at the 50 with 2:00 remaining. O.Brien hooks up with Moore on the very next play who races all the way to the end zone and officially slits the throat of the woeful Indianapolis Colts. 28-14, New York Colts Drive #8 George completed a pass twice and disappeared into the Tecmo oval on the 35 once, but none of that was going to help the Colts avoid dropping yet another game. Closing Thought This was pretty much what I expected. Both teams came out and established the fact that they are part of the bottom echelon of NFL football teams and then the worse of the two finally pulled away to inglorious defeat. Thanks to George's three interceptions in the first half and Indianapolis's complete omission of a secondary in the second half, the Jets were able to improve to 4-4. Al Toon is my player of the game equally for his two touchdown grabs and his remarkable name.   |
