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 First Quarter Tim Brown took the kickoff 14 yards to his own 44, where Jay Schroeder and company will begin. Raiders Drive #1 After the apocalypse blitz floors Bo Jackson for a six-yard loss on first down, Jay Schroeder gets to pass on two consecutive downs. In other words, the Seahawks return team was rightfully readying itself on the sidelines. Seahawks Drive #1
Raiders Drive #2 Bo's off and running for the first time and I'll say this: I've seen slower running backs. He picks up seven yards, but was one well-placed weave from bringing it to the house. After a Schroeder incompletion, the Raiders try and go with Jackson off-tackle again, but the Seahawks have it picked and stuffed. The Raiders are beginning to wonder if they might have an Aldrich Ames on their sidelines and you know, I've always thought that something just wasn't quite right with Mervyn Fernandez. But that's not because I think he's a spy, it's because his name is "Mervyn." Jaeger comes out and shanks one from 48 and we're still scoreless. Seahawks Drive #2 John L. was on the move on second down when he coughed up the ball. Fortunately for Seattle, the ball bounced immediately out of bounds and the team only needed one yard for a first down. Unfortunately for Seattle, they are still Seattle and one yard is way too much to expect out of Derrick Fenner. Raiders Drive #3
End of 1st Quarter: Los Angeles-0, Seattle-0 Second Quarter Seahawks Drive #3 In between runs that netted them a first down, Seattle ran a Dave Krieg incompletion, the trajectory of which was estimated to have spent quality time in the troposphere before going out the back of the end zone. On the succeeding second down, Krieg again threw the same style pass, which can best be described as underhand volleyball serve in nature, which ended up in the hands of a wide open Brian Blades for six.
Raiders Drive #4 Tim Brown was on the move, bringing the return down to the Seattle 32. But Bo Jackson decided to use his ridiculous speed to run straight at defenders on the first two downs, and Jay Schroeder decided to use his shitty arm to throw a ridiculous incompletion on third and five. Jeff Jaeger took them both off the hook, though, as he outdid his teammates by putting his try from 45 off the right upright. Seahawks Drive #4 After a very poor throw on first down, Dave Krieg shows off his fleet feet by scrambling for fifteen yards. The Seahawks call a timeout to talk about how ugly their helmets are, and then come out with a Golic-destroyed dive. John L. adds a negative three-yard run to the cause and then Bob Golic piledrives Krieg on third down. Golic apparently took offense to my comments about him in the pregame show. But before he rips out Dave Krieg's femur, I just want to remind him that I never said ugly people couldn't play football well. Or be a quality R.A. for Kelly Kapowski.
Jay Schroeder completed a pass before time expired in the half, but I'm not sure if it should count since the Seahawks were already halfway down the tunnel when it was thrown. End of 2nd Quarter: Seattle-7, Los Angeles-0 Halftime Okay, this is getting out of hand. Same halftime as the past three weeks, same absence as the past three weeks, same pain in the groin for the 96% of the male audience. 3rd Quarter Seahawks Drive #5 Seattle starts the half by grinding out a first down on three straight runs. Dave Krieg then lobbed a ball to Terry McDaniel, who started Redenbachering people all the way to midfield before he got so out of control that he accidentally knocked himself over. Raiders Drive #6
Jaeger comes on for his third attempt at embarassment and is wildly successful in hooking yet another kick wide. Seahawks Drive #6 After John L. picked up a couple on first down, Krieg tried to step up in the pocket against a blitzing Golic. The result was similar to Chinese college students standing up to tanks in Tiananmen Square, except with a touch less gore and communism. Williams did a great a job on third if the team's goal was one yard, rather than the thirteen needed to move the chains. Raiders Drive #7 The Raiders execute another flawless three-and-out, allowing themselves to punt kick yet again. End of 3rd Quarter: Seattle-7, Los Angeles-0 4th Quarter Seahawks Drive #7 Seattle fans everywhere were nervously rattling off phrases like "Don't blow it Krieg," "Don't fuck up, Dave," and my personal favorite, "Krieg, if you lose this game for us, I promise I will kill you" courtesy of Tommy Kane. After he tried his best to throw an interception on first down, he allowed Greg Townsend to record a sack just inches from the goal line. John L. Williams took the carry on third and forever to get the Seahawks some breathing room for the punt kick, even though Donnelly is pretty confident in his "Avoid Kick Block" attribute, having never had a punt blocked in the history of the game. The ball was punted away without incident. Raiders Drive #8 A Raider went for 20+ yards on first down. Guess who it was. If you said, "Jay Schroeder," you're an idiot, but your idiocy has lucked you into a correct answer. Schroeder then threads a pass to Willie Gault and LA has the ball on the Seahawks 18 with 2:17 to play.
7-7 Seahawks Drive #8 John L. Williams has a big run on first down, but the Seahawks are only at their own 26 with a minute to play. Krieg looks like he's scrambling on the next play, but he decides to pull up and try to throw a five-yard interception instead. Miraculously for Seattle, it falls incomplete. Two plays later, Krieg accomplishes his task and fires an interception to the Raiders at the fifty. Raiders Drive #9 Schroeder breaks loose for 25 yards, but needed 22 more for the TD as time expires. End of 4th Quarter: Los Angeles-7, Seattle-7 Overtime The Seahawks win the toss and Chris Warren returns Jaeger's surprisingly good kickoff out to the 27. Seahawks Drive #9
Naturally, Golic murders Krieg on the very next play for a loss of twelve more. Facing 3rd and 31, Seattle shocks the world by not throwing up a white flag and actually runs a play. The armageddon blitz is on and before Golic can record his fifth sack of the day, Krieg desperately throws the ball to a wide open Eddie Anderson, Raiders' free safety. Raiders Drive #10 Bo Jackson gets loose for 44 yards on first down, taking the Raiders down to the one. This removes the Jaeger suck factor from the Raiders' win equation, virtually assuring them of victory. Jeff magically delivers from 19 and the Raiders escape with a hard-fought victory. Closing Thought Great game, definitely the best I've watched this season. While both quarterbacks did their best to prove to the other that they suck worse, Dave Krieg argued his point more successfully. Eddie Anderson took two picks from him, but I have to give player of the game to Bob Golic, who recorded four sacks and countless Derrick Fenner lost-yardage runs. He also gets credit for best hockey hair on a defensive lineman. And if you'll look below, you'll witness one of the most putrid stat screens that I have ever laid eyes upon.   |
