[Leonardite.com] [Tecmo Home] [Season] [Players] [Teams] [Guests] [E-Mail] [Guestbook]


This week's marquee showdown pits two teams that I have making the playoffs as wild card teams. The Chiefs, led by the superhuman speed and dexterity of Derrick Thomas, are sporting the number one defense in the NFL. Meanwhile, the eleven angry black men that the Saints call their defense are the NFL's third ranked unit. All of this would make you think that this will be a 10-7 battle, but I wouldn't be surprised to see Robb (pronounced "Rob-ub") Thomas go off for a few TD grabs.

First Quarter

Gil "The Thrill" took Lowery's kickoff at about the fifty, but that wasn't the exciting part. One of the front-line Saints got rolled about twenty yards from where he started. It was like he was shot out of a cannon. No Tecmo players, not even an Excellent Bruce Smith, can move with that kind of speed.

Saints Drive #1


Hey, at least you won something
The Saints started things with a nifty playaction pass to Ironhead that brought up a second and one, but a picked Ironhead run dropped them back to 3rd and 7. Out of the shotgun, Steve Walsh has his pick of three open receivers, a few of whom are screaming like Slayer fans for the ball in the end zone. Walsh does what we'd all do and tosses an incompletion to the covered Hoby Brenner. Despite the fact that they are on the opposing 40, the Saints keep Morten Andersen on the bench and elect to have Tommy Barnhardt punt the ball out of the stadium. There are a wealth of great decision-makers involved with this Saints organization.

Chiefs Drive #1

The Chiefs go with three up-the-middle run plays, with the first two going to Barry Word whose speed leads me to believe that he's sleep-walking. They only gained nine on this drive and will have to punt, in addition to getting Word some Folger's.

Saints Drive #2

Seeing the effectiveness of the "Three run and punt" offense that the Chiefs used, the Saints go to work mimicking them. I won't tell you how the drive ended, but I will say that there ended up being a lot more Tommy Barnhardt involved than moving first down chains.


When a guy has that many "b's" in his name, I can't fault DeBerg for trying to force one to him
Chiefs Drive #2

The Chiefs kick the drive off with the slowest nine-yard run in the history of Tecmo Super Bowl, performed by Barry Word and his concrete cleats. They look to be going back to him on second down, but it's a playaction pass. Steve DeBerg generously buries the ball in Toi Cook's shoulder pads, who gets about a twenty-yard return. The Saints are seriously considering punting right now just to avoid any embarassment or nerve-racking decisions.

Saints Drive #3

New Orleans goes flea-flicker style on the first play. Eric Martin is crying for the ball in the end zone, but Steve Walsh decides that waiting to throw the ball through Derrick Thomas's chest would be a lot easier than throwing it through the open air. The throw does not even make it through the linebacker's straps. Incomplete.

End of 1st Quarter: Kansas City- 0 New Orleans- 0

Second Quarter


Believe me, this ball is just beginning to rise
Saints Drive #3 (Continued)

The Saints go right back to the flea flicker and this time Walsh releases the ball right away. The trajectory of this pass has it landing in the neighboring 7-11, but Eric Martin goes sky-high and pulls it in for six points.

7-0, New Orleans

Chiefs Drive #3

The Chiefs achieved some success and a first down on this drive for two reasons: A) They had a big completion to Stephone Paige and B) They elected to hand the ball off a few times to the awake Nigerian man. The end result was a fifty-yard field goal by Nick Lowery, which means that he was still a good 25 yards within his range.

7-3, New Orleans

Saints Drive #4


A revolutionary theory is emerging that this incompletion might have been caused in part by the fact that Walsh is facing the crowd
The Saints elected to go with the flea flicker for the third play in a row, this time resulting in an overthrown pass to an open Brent Perriman. It's unclear if Brent is related to Brett or not. Two ineffective runs by Dalton Hilliard later, Tommy Barnhardt adds a few more seconds to his "Frequent Punters" card.

Chiefs Drive #4

DeBerg and Robub hook up for the first time on first down, netting about thirty yards. The next play is an innocent looking sweep to Christian Okoye. But then the Nightmare turns the corner, sprints down the sideline, and completely Redenbachers the cornerback who thought he had a chance of tackling him. Touchdown, Nightmare. Soiled jockstraps, Saints.

10-7, Kansas City

Saints Drive #5

After the Thrill was his usual awesome self and brought the ball past the fifty, the Saints had time for one more play. Given their penchant for shitty play-calling, I fully expected a dive, but they fooled me and went playaction. Walsh had all his receivers open and went with Martin, naturally overthrowing him by five yards. Martin bailed him out yet again with a great diving catch, but a very pissed off mob of Kansas City tacklers made sure he didn't get to the end zone.

End of 2nd Quarter: Kansas City- 10, New Orleans- 7


Keep reaching for that rainbow, boys
Halftime

A purple foot soldier mistook the stadium for the Technodrome and parachuted in, followed by the Baton Rouge Homosexual Waving Boys Troupe showing off their wave skills. Then the kickline cheerleaders did their thing, followed by the panty shot. Mmm boy, the panty shot.

3rd Quarter

Chiefs Drive #5

DeBerg and Robub hooked up right away as Thomas made a great diving catch. Then he and Toi Cook locked up and appeared to make out for a full ten seconds until the heterosexual members of the New Orleans defense leveled them both. Sam Mills then derailed the drive by getting a sack and two plays later, Megaleg Lowery was on for his second field goal of the day.

13-7, Kansas City

Saints Drive #6

Walsh has everybody open on first down, including a guy standing in the middle of the Chiefs' sideline somehow, but he charitably elects to allow Percy Snow to remove his torso from his legs.

I've heard Christian Okoye compared to a freight train loaded with atomic explosives before. What a crock. I'd swallow Little Boy before I get in the way of this guy.
A couple blown flea flickers later, including one that Walsh inexplicably fumbled, Tommy Barnhardt was trotting out for his fifteenth punt of the day.

Chiefs Drive #6

The Chiefs pick up a first down on two consecutive dive plays by Barry Word. I'm fully expecting to see his flat carcass on the field following a play here soon, followed by the rarely seen "Deceased: BARRY WORD" screen. A playaction pass to Okoye and follow-up run by the Nightmare bring the Chiefs back into the end zone yet again.

20-7, Kansas City

Saints Drive #7

Dalton Hilliard and Craig Heyward combine to pick up 35 yards to start the Saints drive and they may have a glimmer of hope heading into the final stanza.

End of 3rd Quarter: Kansas City- 20, New Orleans- 7

4th Quarter


This was the Saints' second touchdown pass of the game, although tarot and the Rhode Island tax code had as much to do with it as Steve Walsh did.
Saints Drive #7 (Continued)

The Saints go flea flicker again and while Walsh has both receivers open, he throws to a part of the field that has less inhabitants than the Bonneville Salt Flats. After Heyward gets tackled by all eleven members of the Chiefs defense on second down, the Saints pull out a new play and run the flea flicker. This one is headed for the seats again, but Eric Martin keeps on bailing out his quarterback as he hauls it in for six. We have a new ballgame on our hands.

20-14, Kansas City

The Saints then went with an onside kick, despite having 80% of the fourth quarter left, but the nimble fingers of Steve DeBerg keep the ball in the Chiefs' possession.

Chiefs Drive #7

Already in Lowery range, the Chiefs give the ball to their corpse masquerading as Barry Word before going to the air. DeBerg hits a leaping Robub who streaks to the end zone and shatters the new hope that the Saints had just acquired.

27-14, Kansas City


"I want to push you a-round, well I will, well I will..."
Saints Drive #8

You're probably going to think this is bullshit, but realize there's not a lot in it for me to lie to a bunch of people reading play-by-play of a COM vs. COM Tecmo game. The Saints started with a thirty-yard run by Hilliard and I was just about to start typing, "The Saints come out with a big run by Dalton Hilliard, trying to prove to us all there's still plenty of time for a Steve Walsh interception." And on the very next play, Walsh and his suckiness obliged me. If I could predict the stock market like I can predict Tecmo occurrences, I'd be out in my fusion-powered golf cart right now.

Chiefs Drive #8

The Chiefs basically just ran the clock out with some Okoye runs and incompletions. But in the middle of all of that, Steve DeBerg threw the most God-awful pass of the game. The only logical recipient that I could see was the first down stick.

Closing Thought

This game turned when the Chiefs started handing it off to the angry African instead of their terminally ill back. But my player of the game is going to go to Eric Martin, whose incredible catches kept the Saints from getting totally embarassed in this game. Tommy Barnhardt gets the runner-up award for having the stamina to punt the ball over ten thousand times in one game.


Leonardite.com