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 First Quarter The Bucs sneak the ball out to the nine-and-a-half where they will begin their first "drive." (Can you call a three-and-out a "drive?") Buccaneers Drive #1 Gary Anderson looks like a dependable mule on the first two plays, chewing up thirteen yards on a run and a pass reception. Testaverde gets his legs sheared off on the following second down, but his overthrown pass is remarkably caught in coverage by the Other Mark Carrier. On the fifty, Testaverde hits Reggie Cobb for eleven yards on first down. I'm not sure who the Bucs are trying to fool with this incredibly good play, but if I was one of the targets, they are exceeding in a dazzling way. Naturally now that I say that, the Bucs run the always popular "Dan Owens Sack/Leroy Irvin fumble recovery offense" and turn it over to the Lions with a fumble by Reggie Cobb.
Barry Sanders takes a toss from Rodney Peete-Robinson at the 32 and has absolutely no trouble finding six points from there. 7-0, Detroit Buccaneers Drive #2 In perhaps the most bizarre scene of the season to this point, which is saying an awful lot especially when you consider the fact that Dan Saleamua played the second half naked in Week 6, Dan Owens sacked Vinny Testaverde in the end zone for two more Detroit points. Testaverde's fallopian tubes were apparently shattered by the impact resulting in the first time, I believe, that I have seen an injury in the end zone in all my years of Tecmoing. I celebrated the occasion by belching and itching my head. 9-0, Detroit Lions Drive #2 Peete-Robinson connects with Richard Johnson on first down with the play ending on the one-inch line, improving the Tampa defense's Plays Resulting in Touchdowns to Plays Not Resulting in Touchdowns ratio to a more respectable .500. The always bitch-like bootleg, however, inflated it back to .667. 16-0, Detroit Buccaneers Drive #3 Play 1 of the Jeff Carlson era is a resounding success as Jerry Ball's gargantuan figure plants him for a sack. He tried to follow that up on Play 2 with an interception, but not all tales can be storybook in fashion. End of 1st Quarter: Detroit-16, Tampa Bay-0 Second Quarter Buccaneers Drive #3 (Continued) Gary Anderson outruns the Apocalypse Jailbreak for three yards, which is impressive, but not as impressive as the massive distance still needed for a first down that the Buccaneers aren't going to cover. Lions Drive #3 The first two plays have covered thirty yards and the Lions aren't just making the Bucs' defense look lousy; they're making them look vomit-covered lousy. The Lions even ran the Peete-Robinson boot twice in a row for a plethora of yards, but finally stalled the drive out more because of Rodney's erratic right arm and less because of Tampa's erratic eleven guys pretending to be a defense. Eddie Murray drills one in from 32 and the Lions are now up by a prime number. 19-0, Detroit Buccaneers Drive #4 Jeff Carlson does a sweet job of fumbling on first down, allowing William White (<----Made-up name) to recover it and return it to the 19. Lions Drive #4 RPR delivers a pass down to the nine and then tries to boot his way into the end zone for the second time, but comes up seven yards short. Two terrible passes later, Wayne Fontes is forced to send out Eddie Murray for his second consecutive chip shot. 22-0, Detroit Buccaneers Drive #5 Reggie Cobb's three-yard dive as time expired in the first half stands as one of the most successful plays thus far for Tampa Bay. End of 2nd Quarter: Detroit-22, Tampa Bay-0 Halftime Halftime, normally a boring time at any football game, went against the grain today and threw us all a curveball by being "ridiculously boring." 3rd Quarter Lions Drive #5
Okay, so obviously nothing is more exciting than those, but you get my drift. 29-0, Detroit Buccaneers Drive #6 The Bucs start their sixth drive on the 3-yard line. This is good field position for anything, especially fumbling and allowing Dennis Gibson to bring in yet another defensive score for the Lions. 36-0, Detroit Buccaneers Drive #7 The Bucs' line picks up a blitz for the first time since 1983 and allows Carlson to deliver a twenty-yard strike on first down. They go back to their old tricks two plays later, though, allowing Jerry Ball another unimpeded run at Carlson who looked like a pork sandwich to the Detroit nose tackle. Carlson amazingly hooks up with the Other Mark Carrier on 3rd and One Million for a first down to keep the drive going.
36-3, Detroit Lions Drive #6 Mel Gray fielded a full-bar kickoff from Christie at the back of the end zone and proceeded to run it back out to his own 42. This is a Roger Bannister-type accomplishment, until you factor in that it happened against Tampa Bay, at which point it becomes more like a Roger Rabbit accomplishment. The Lions fumble two plays later, allowing Tim Newton of the Buccaneers three seconds of fame as he is the lucky one of the eleven Tampa players who stared at the fumbled prize that actually decided to pick it up. End of 3rd Quarter: Detroit-36, Tampa Bay-3 4th Quarter Buccaneers Drive #8
Lions Drive #7 Holly gets sacked for an eleven yard loss on first down, but quickly gets it all back and then some with a 50-yard completion on second down into Tampa territory. They pound it down to the seven on another completion to Clark and a run by Sanders. A sack by world-feared Eugene Marve pushed the Lions back temporarily, but a TD strike to Barry Sanders erased all memory of Eugene's super play. 43-3, Detroit Buccaneers Drive #9 The Bucs are moving the ball little by little, but with about a minute left to play, even the TV crew has left the stadium. In a hearse. Because this terrible game has murdered them all. With no one left to call the "action," Carlson is sacked yet again, this time by George Jamison (<---Also a made-up name.) Eventually time ran out, sparing the three remaining fans of the original twelve in attendance the self-inflicted abuse they were subjecting themselves to in the stands. Closing Thought Yet another horrible, horrible game that I made you read about. At least you didn't have to sit through it and watch it. I don't mind watching bad football as long as I can find storylines to keep myself intrigued. But bad video game football? I'm not creative enough to put a bow on Reggie Cobb and pretend that he's a smile-bringing blob of programmed joy. Dennis Gibson, you're the player of the game. Now please return to your normal anonymity.   |
