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 First Quarter Thanks to an awful kick and a decent return, the Falcons are starting with the ball at the 49er 47. Falcons Drive #1 Chris Miller scrambles on first down and manages to make everyone on the Niner defense look stupid. I even tried to make a tackle for some reason and completely missed the shifty Falcons QB. 15 yards later, the Falcons had a first down which was used on a five-yard designed run by Miller. Pierce Holt derailed the Atlanta enthusiasm with a sack, but Miller and Andre Rison proceeded to hook up on a jaw-dropping 43 yard completion in triple coverage that gave the Falcons the first points of the day. 7-0, Atlanta
San Fran started in Falcons territory, but clearly forgot to enter their usual cheat codes as their offense produced two incompletions and a meager four-yard run by Joe Montana. Mike Cofer had his code sequence ready, though, as he banged home a 59-yard field goal off the left upright. 7-3, Atlanta Falcons Drive #2 Mike Rozier and Chris Miller combined on runs that equalled twelve yards, exceeding the minimum yardage necessary for a first down in the National Football League. Miller then hooked up with Rozier for fifteen yards through the air and then picked up the remaining 25 on a TD pass to Floyd Dixon. Dixon got six actual points for his TD catch, but he gets 400 style points for doing the fabled "moonwalk" after reaching paydirt. 14-3, Atlanta 49ers Drive #2 Rathman puts the ball on the turf on first down, but Montana bails him out with a recovery. This mini-crisis is quickly forgotton when Montana lasers a pass to John Taylor in tight coverage, bringing the 49ers down to the Falcon six. End of 1st Quarter: Atlanta-14, San Francisco-3 Second Quarter 49ers Drive #2 (Continued)
14-10, Atlanta Falcons Drive #3 The 49ers decide to employ a novel strategy that I've heard referred to as "playing defense." After sacking Miller on first down, they use the apocalypse blitz on the helpless QB. Miller coughs the football up and Charles Haley picks it up, returning it into the red zone and giving his embarassingly good offense embarassingly good field position. 49ers Drive #3 Facing 3rd and 1 at the two-yard line, Joe Montana elects not to walk into the end zone and instead throws the ball to a wide open John Taylor who lets it fall shockingly to the turf. The Niners try to prove that they have testicles of above-average size by going for it on fourth down and are vindicated when Roger Craig finds the end zone with the ball in his hands. 17-14, San Francisco Falcons Drive #4
24-14, San Francisco Falcons Drive #5 To say the wheels have come off is a pretty big understatement. Chris Miller fires up an interception to Ronnie Lott on first down, which now means that the last three plays the Falcons have run have resulted in turnovers. So not only are the wheels gone, but the engine block is split in half and somebody took a piss in the gas tank. 49ers Drive #4 Falcons Drive #4
31-14, San Francisco Falcons Drive #6 If I were the Falcons, I would have started the football on fire and run away screaming before running another play. Instead, they run two plays that get them into Greg Davis missing range. Davis obliges by pushing one wide from 56, giving San Francisco one more play to try and pound the Falcons further. 49ers Drive #5 And they do just that! From 55 yards out, Montana and John Taylor hook up and it's not hyperbolic at all to say that Falcons are getting massacred in the most inhumane fashion allowed within the rulebook. End of 2nd Quarter: San Francisco-38, Atlanta-14 Halftime The panty shot was there and that normally would excite me, but I'm really having trouble trying to focus on anything other than the flabbergasting 35-point second quarter the 49ers just produced. 3rd Quarter 49ers Drive #6
Falcons Drive #7 Rozier picks up 35 over two carries to try and make the Falcons' fans feel like they have even a remote chance. The Falcons then proceed to beat him into oblivion, finally getting the guy injured two plays later. All momentum gone, the Falcons run two uninspired plays before settling for a Greg Davis three-spot. 38-17, San Francisco 49ers Drive #7 Montana hits the frustratingly steady Brent Jones for 11 yards on first down. In the face of a seven-man blitz, Montana slices a pass to a triple-covered Jerry Rice for another first down. Outside of Buffalo, there's not a single entity on this earth that has produced as many broken controllers as the 49ers. After two misleading incompletions, Montana and John Taylor mock us all with a 45-yard TD completion that had exactly 0.0001% chance of failing. 45-17, San Francisco Falcons Drive #8 Steve Broussard, the completely forgettable Falcons backup, picks up a solid negative three on first down. End of 3rd Quarter: San Francisco-45, Atlanta-17 4th Quarter Falcons Drive #8 (Continued)
49ers Drive #8 On second and 17, Montana hits Taylor again who looks like he's destined for the end zone, until he gets hauled down at the two yard-line. Any moral victories that the Falcons might have ridiculously tried to embellish were rendered moot when Tom Rathman plodded into the end zone on the very next snap. 52-17, San Francisco Falcons Drive #9 Poor Chris Miller, if he's not busy explaining the difference between him and his nearly identical backup, he's getting sacked. And when he's getting sacked, he's been to known to fumble and allow Pierce Holt to return it to the one-yard line. 49ers Drive #9 Rathman gets the glory again of meandering over the goal line at his leisure. At this rate, we are still four more San Francisco TD's away from the conclusion of the game. 59-17, San Francisco Falcons Drive #10 The Falcons hit Rison for a sweet 73 yarder as time expired. Fittingly, they were 74 yards away from the end zone. Closing Thought Dear God, what a debacle. This was the most egregious NFL soul-removal since Shang Tsung suited up at Will linebacker for the Broncos in 1994. And naturally, I had to suffer through it. John Taylor is the player of the game considering he couldn't stay out of the end zone, but seriously, fuck you 49ers. It takes a special group of cheaters to make me get pissed off watching a simulated Tecmo football game, and you clowns accomplished it. That says a lot about you. It also says a lot about me, the specifics of which I'd rather not get into.   |
