That's Blatant Hypocrisy (01/16/04) --

By Dan Wessels

Joe Horn, Chad Johnson, Terrell Owens. These three men are the triumvirate of all that is bad in the NFL. Of course, everyone knows that. And everyone knows that they only look out for themselves, those selfish bastards. But, wait. Upon further review I find these men to be some of the only people who care about the fans. Granted, they are probably the fans that think turf toe is when a player’s shoe falls off, but they are fans nonetheless. Hopefully, teams will follow suit provide a little entertainment and take a pay cut. Granted, those $12 beers and $300 tickets are a pretty good price compared to the king’s ransom people pay at the movies.

I actually enjoyed the recent touchdown celebrations. Personally, I would never think of celebrating in any way shape or form. But, at least they were original and their actions were deserving of celebration. If anyone should be fined it should be a receiver that does that damn first down arm motion after a three yard snag, or when defensive back shimmies around after a good tackle 8 yards past the line of scrimmage. I would not be surprised to see a linebacker dance a little jig while the running backs flips the ball and hops up and down in celebration on the same play.

I don't care about celebrations. I just want to kiss you.

These three young men got a lot of publicity for their actions after a touchdown, and any publicity is good publicity. The best quote about this I have heard is: “Whenever a player calls it business, the press calls it a game. When a player calls it a game, the press calls it business.” The trend of the “planned” celebration seems to be here to stay for at least a little while. But what people don’t know is that there have been many of these where the player didn’t take it to the house.

Jets 1968 – Joe Namath
Late one night, Joe dug a pit underneath one of the end zones. He covered the hideout with cardboard and sod. He hid 12 playboy playmates before the game. Sadly, he forgot about them.

Super Bowl XXV – Lawrence Taylor
The Great LT actually hid an ounce of crack in his pants. After an excellent play he was going to put a line on the opposing player’s helmet and snort it. Sadly, the crack bag ripped during pre-game stretches.

Montreal Alouettes – Lawrence Phillips
In 2002, Lawrence led the Alouettes to a Grey Cup title. During that game he had planned for seven of his girlfriends to rush the field after he scored. He was then going to beat each girlfriend. His seven techniques were the bitchslap, hair pull (not on stairs, though), beer bottle smash, donkey punch, donkey roundhouse kick, cigar burn, and the infamous “I got your nose trick.” His girlfriends were pressing charges at the time of the game.

December 21, 2003: Denver – Mike Vanderjagt He hid a bottle of Wild Turkey in the end zone. If he had recovered a fumble on a kickoff and returned it for a TD, he was going to drink the entire bottle of Wild Turkey. Man, Wild Turkey is awful, but not as bad as dolphin rape.

Not the Leonardite