Fate of the World (Series?) (10/08/03) --

(As I write this, I have just gone from seeing the absolute horror of the Dominicorkan Daddy drilling a two-run homer with two outs in the bottom of the ninth, to the elation of the vastly underrated Mike Lowell hitting a solo homer in the top of the eleventh.)

You simply do not realize how important this game is. Revelations is opening up its pages, the second coming is primed to happen, and the world is about ready to be split in two. And the two horsemen of the apocalypse are riding right before our eyes: The Boston Red Sox and the Chicago Cubs. For if these two, mounted upon their Seabiscuit-like stallions are to make it to the fall classic, we may never spend a day on this planet again.

The Sox and the Cubs right now are on the verge of ending known civilization. In my time in this world, it has been a natural law that NEVER will the Chicago Cubs, nor the Boston Red Sox end the season as world champions. If such an anomaly is to occur, I do not think that I am exaggerating in the least when I say that the Earth will break it into seven slices, begin dripping green ooze, spin around like a carnival ride, and then blast into the nether regions of the universe. That’s how important this is.

And where does that leave the civilized world? Ugh. No, anything……NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! We……..ugh……..may……….have to cheer for the………………..YANKEES.

Stop! Stop! I can already hear the masses railing out against that last comment. I for one am not condoning such a practice, that of cheering for the Bronx Bastards. I’m merely saying that you have two options:

A) Have your skin peel back and leave your innards exposed to the intense flames that will melt your body into a pool of indistinguishable sludge that will be eaten by ravenous dogs.
B) Cheer for the Yankees.

For the record, I haven’t made up my mind on which to pick yet. But of course, it could potentially be a moot point if the other stalwarts, the Florida Marlins, are able to hold off the Cubs. Now really, sending the Marlins out to save the world is like sending Mitch Williams out to save the World Series. You just know better. But unfortunately, they’re all we’ve got.

What we are facing is an international crisis. While the forces of imminent death are portrayed on our televisions as a feel-good sports story, those of us that can see clearly realize that the Marlins and the…..(shudder)…..Yankees……are trying to defend us from death. The battles that are to ensue should be watched by all leaders of the universe, from Tony Blair of the United Kingdom, to Ufaadsayumim 9 of the Meltoro Cluster.

(Marlins win, the world is one step closer to safety)

Red Sox vs. Yankees: American Armageddon

The Red Sox are leading their invasion with a fire-throwing dragon named Martinez, and a lumber-wielding madman named Ramirez. They are accompanied by a lawn gnome named Nomar. What they are looking to unload upon us is the end to a so-called curse, one that has accompanied them for years. They punished a group of Athletics, who buried them early, but couldn’t finish them off. They now look to do battle with their nemesis…

The Yankees

The evil empire, led by a Darth Vader-like curmudgeon named Steinbrenner, is trotting out their figurehead manager and a group of overpriced juggernauts who look to befall the ultimate demise upon the rebellion, a rebellion which threatens to end civilization. Can we cheer for such behemoths? This empire has recruited people from all over, all the way to the far west and eastern ends of the globe. Equally, they are hated from these stretches.

Who can you pull for? Death or cheer for the Yankees. What an awful catch 22.

Cubs vs. Marlins: Cinderella Suicide

Strength in numbers is the backbone of this young group of rebels. The Cubs, a warlike faction of juvenile bears, seem bent on leading their group to the promised land……and the world into a state of utter demolition. The problem is, that this group of rebels is not like bears, but more like lemmings. The followers look at this clan as a group of immortals, when time and time again they have been shown to be some of the weakest sisters around. Say 'jump' and the lemmings will say 'how high?' as they go screaming off a cliff. Will that be the fate of this club as the battle is now entering its second stage?

The Marlins

Yes, if the Mighty Marlins have anything to say about it. Led by an ancient soothsayer, this savvy group of underappreciated warriors has seen the power that they can muster when they band together. Led on the battlefield by a new addition, from the distant land of losing known as the Ballpark in Arlington, they are set to use their wits to outsmart the foolhardy north-siders. Will this group succeed? The world had better hope so.

You might think what’s above is drivel (you’re probably right), but the fact of the matter is that the WORLD hangs in the balance. There’s no way that the Earth’s core will stay intact if the Cubs and Red Sox are in the World Series together. If such an event happens, I think I’m going to sign up for that “Suicide Concert” in Florida just so I don’t have to see the world disintegrate.

Pull for the Marlins if you want to live.

Pull for the Yankees…………if you can live with yourself after doing so. As for me, I’ll take the shards of planet hurtling to the corners of the universe before I cheer for Steinbrenner.

The Leonardite
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