 I know I've complained about it in the past: The seats at Jets' hockey games are as uncomfortable as watching a non-Bill & Ted Keanu Reeves movie. By the time Bob Preece has finished reshaping some Bismarck skulls and the Pounder has collapsed in a puddle of his own alcoholism, my tailbone is pretty much shattered. There are steps that I have taken to remedy this problem: Head to the lobby between periods for refreshments and socializing, standing frequently for key points of the game, and the thought of bringing a Leonard Panthers seat cushion has even crossed my mind before. Never once have I thought to put an oversized ass in my pants. I guess I'm weird like that. One thing about internet authoring you need to know is that except for the occasional asinine letter or inquisitive guestbook entry, I don't really know who is going to absorb the brilliance that is abundantly offered here. I very well might be talking to a whole bunch of Larry D. Kuhuskis, people who undoubtedly feel unashamed by announcing that they have a fake ass in their pants for comfort purposes. At least I hope it's for comfort purposes. Mr. Kuhuski has created this revolutionary product and Tommy Hilfiger, if you're reading this, you better buy the rights quickly before Ralph Lauren beats you to it. Kuhuski realized that people under 50 never bring seat cushions to a sporting contest, most likely because it's a dorky thing to do (unless it says "Leonard Panthers" on it.) Seeing that these people wouldn't dare get caught in public carrying seat cushions, he came to the natural conclusion that having a novelty-sized derriere would be a logically acceptable alternative. He also noticed that since dinosaurs have never eaten his dog's food, the spare tire on his Hyundai must be what's keeping them away but that's a conclusion for another time.  This picture is captioned by the line "Figure 1 is an illustrative view of fans sitting in the bleachers uncomfortably." We can see that the women are the only ones noticeably experiencing discomfort, but I'm positive they're sitting on their hands to protect themselves from the sex offender sitting behind them, and not because they are in pain. This diagram is very useful because it points out objects 12 and 14, essential cogs in the unstoppable FanPants machine. The key tells us that 14 is "seat," which actually is necessary because anybody willing to buy these ridiculous things probably doesn't have the common sense to figure that out. Object 12 is "user," but other important labels such as "air," "sunshine," and "spilled beer" are missing.  Not only does it show off those snappy retro Winstop Cup shirts, Figure 2 lets us in on a couple new details. In addition to pointing out "seat" again, I noticed that 12 now references the FanPants wearer as "dipshit" in the key. I'm sure this was to satisfy the Truth in Advertising requirements. Magic number 16 is, of course, "Pants." Look, the woman clearly is not wearing pants. In fact, I would call those spandex. Then again, it's entirely possible that they are actually pants and her huge ass has caused them ride up past her thighs.  I'm skipping past a bunch of the diagrams because all they do is make sure that we understand the confusing mechanics behind inserting an artificial butt into blue jeans. A couple new numbers emerge in this picture, notably 18 and 26 ("Cushion" and "Logo") respectively, as well as number 28. 28 is simply referred to as "number" in the key. I can only assume that this is the unique ID number that each FanPants owner is assigned in the government's depopulation program. And if we're depopulating, I can't blame Uncle Sam for starting with the people wearing John Candy pants.  Seriously, who wouldn't want to look like this stud? If you answered "me," then you are eligible to be my friend. There are some new numbers on there, and the descriptions in the key are "Fag," "Homo's pants," and "Plum Smuggler's homo head." I think these descriptions are a little offensive if you ask me, but we can all agree that the user's quest for comfortable seating has opened himself up to all of them.
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